


Heaven Won't Take Me Back

by Ivy_of_Arcana



Series: Light and Darkness, and continued [2]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angel!Ryan, Demon!Shane, M/M, Romance, definitely some smut, exploration of feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 12:20:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15243279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ivy_of_Arcana/pseuds/Ivy_of_Arcana
Summary: It's been a year since Ryan and Shane revealed the true nature of themselves to each other. Ever since, they've been on the run from a collective of angels that want to kill them, and living as fugitives has taken its toll. Because of this, they haven't felt able to explore the romantic feelings they have for each other - however, that is about to change.A continuation of Light & Darkness. This can be read separately, but I would love more traffic on Light & Darkness, so please love me and read both. :3





	Heaven Won't Take Me Back

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the song "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab.

_They say before you start a war_  
_You better know what you're fighting for_  
_Well baby, you are all that I adore_  
_If love is what you need, a soldier I will be_

_I'm an angel with a shotgun_  
_Fighting til' the wars won_  
_I don't care if heaven won't take me back_  
_I'll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe_  
_Don't you know you're everything I have?_  
_And I, wanna live, not just survive, tonight_

* * *

 

A year.

It had been a year.

And what a long year it had been.

Ryan Bergara hurriedly walked down the cracked sidewalks of Detroit, the hood of his navy blue sweatshirt pulled over his head in a haphazard attempt to conceal his face. He knew he looked suspicious, and he really should have used the disguise spell instead, but it had been a simple errand run and he hadn’t wanted to use up his power. He was already exhausted from going outside once today with the disguise spell, and Ryan had felt confident that no one would recognize him during the five minute jaunt from his crumbling apartment complex to the equally treacherous gas station nearby. Still, Shane would lose his shit if he knew Ryan was running around without the disguise spell, so Ryan would have to keep that fact to himself.

In all honestly, Ryan hadn’t planned on going outside a second time today, but he couldn’t ignore the significance of the day as soon as he had realized it. It needed to be celebrated…or something. The other alternatives were to completely ignore it or to go cry from reopened mental wounds, but hey, optimism was a good thing, right? Ryan had always considered himself an optimistic guy, so he wasn’t just going to let this day pass without trying to get a glimpse of the bright side. He clutched the box of donuts he had bought to his side, a physical reminder that yes, there were still good things in this world.

As he had expected, Ryan arrived at the door to his apartment without being recognized and without altercation. Good. Shifting the donut box in his arms, he stuck his hand in his pocket to fish out his keys. Unfortunately, the door opened before he could do so, revealing a frustrated Shane Madej.

“You went out without telling me.”

Ryan sighed, trying not to show his own frustration. “Yes. I wanted to get something,” he muttered, pushing past Shane and into the apartment they shared. Shane didn’t speak until Ryan had successfully shut and bolted the door locked, a ritual that had arisen from both necessity and paranoia.

“I was worried, Ryan.”

Ryan turned to fully look at Shane, something that he had been avoiding up to that point. He wasn’t surprised to see the look of exasperation on the man’s face, but he hadn’t quite expected the poignant flash in Shane’s eyes.

“I’m sorry. I wanted it to be a surprise,” Ryan murmured, moving to set the box of donuts on the tilting folding table that served as both eating place and storage in their hybrid living/dining room. His hands now free, Ryan realized he could pull down his hood now and did so.

Shane’s eyes widened.

“You didn’t use the spell, did you?”

“I didn’t get caught, okay?” Ryan responded, his voice chipped. He wanted to sound angry at Shane’s paranoia, but what came out was fear. Not fear at what he suspected would be Shane’s following anger, but rather the unwillingness to have his best friend be upset with him. Staring at the floor, Ryan shuffled to the couch and plopped down in it, his arms crossed in a manner that suggested both huffiness and self-defense.

“Ryan, you have to use the spell. Always. There’s an entire collective of angels out looking for us, and it only takes one Buzzfeed-obsessed fangirl recognizing us to alert them.” Shane leaned back against the wall, his tall lanky frame stretching almost comically across it. The demon always had a sort of peculiar look about him - having a huge angular head on top of a stick-like body could do that to a person. However, Ryan was more drawn to the dark bags under Shane’s eyes in this moment. They betrayed his exhaustion.

“I…I know. I’ll be more careful in the future, I promise. And besides, I wouldn’t let any of those bastards get to you. Not again.” Ryan winced internally; why had he brought that up? The memory, now fresh in his mind, caused a slight ache in Ryan’s heart.

Shane returned Ryan’s response with a wry smile. “I’m not worried about myself, Ry.”

“What?”

“If we’re found out – well, I know what would happen to me, and I already accept that. But you… I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

If Ryan were being completely open with his feelings, he would show how touched he was by Shane’s concern – however, he chose to explore the other thought that had sprung into his mind. “I don’t think they would hurt me. I used to be one of them. Plus there are a few sympathizers in the 17th collective.”

“They would hurt you _because_ you were one of them. I’m just a demon. One they absolutely hate, sure, but you’re much more than that. You’re a traitor. You’re the one that is hiding a demon. You’re the one the collective would use as an example to discourage possible defectors. Don’t you get it?”

“Shane, I –”

“I can’t let that happen to you, Ry. Okay? You’re stuck in this hellscape of a fugitive life because of me, and I can’t let anything worse happen to you.”

Ryan looked up at Shane, stunned. The year of living on the run had nearly destroyed Shane’s confidence. Ryan could remember a time when the man would laugh in the face of death – but that had all faded away. Now he was almost a husk of a man: paranoid, mirthless, and always afraid. And guilty, Ryan thought. That was the main aspect of who he was now – Shane Madej, a demon who blamed himself unfairly for their unfortunate situation and wore that guilt like a wet blanket.

“You know that’s not true,” Ryan whispered, pulling himself up off the couch. He wanted to be done with the conversation, so he marched over to the folding table, rummaged through the donut box, and promptly shoved one of the jelly-filled ones into his mouth. “You can have one too,” he mumbled around the sticky glut of jelly. “They’re for you, anyway.”

Shane seemed to get the message. His mouth had opened slightly, as if he were beginning to say something, but then he closed it. Ryan didn’t want to talk. He wasn’t going to try to either, then. Dumbly, he nodded.

“I need some time alone. I’ll be in the bedroom if you need me.”

Shane nodded again. “It’s your night, anyhow.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

Ryan and Shane both stared at each other for a moment, trying to guess the other’s feelings. Neither were very successful; they both believed that the other was angry at them, which was extremely far from the truth.

“I’m going to go now,” Ryan murmured awkwardly as he turned and walked towards the singular bedroom of the apartment. Shane watched him go.

“That could have gone better,” Shane murmured to himself after Ryan had left the room. He glanced at the donuts on the table and grabbed one.

Ryan had remembered.

Sighing, Shane walked over to the couch and flopped down into it. Since there was only one bed in the apartment, he and Ryan took turns sleeping in it. It was Shane’s night for the couch. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing, as they had found it for dirt cheap at a Goodwill store, but it worked. Shane’s feet hung off the ends when he slept in it, but he was used to that by now. It was nearing bedtime, so Shane decided scarf the donut down and then try to fall asleep.

“Good night, Ry,” he whispered into the bleak nothingness of the room.

With that, Shane prepared for his nightly onslaught of nightmares.

* * *

 

When Shane woke up in the middle of the night, it was not from nightmares.

It was surprising that this was the case. He was used to being tormented by his mind in the night, which was why he was met with the glaring lights of the room still on. It was a habit to not turn them off; it helped comfort him a bit when he would wake up randomly, often with sleep paralysis. But tonight – tonight was different. The dream that he had been experiencing was not one of fear, not a reimagining of the horrors he had faced in the past. It was instead…blissful?

Ryan.

Sometimes Shane was blessed with these dreams. He never told Ryan about them, because it seemed awkward to do so, but he enjoyed them nonetheless.

You should tell him.

The voice in Shane’s head came seemingly out of nowhere. It was the part of himself he had managed to push down in the past – the part that knew he couldn’t ignore his own feelings. Why was it coming out now?

Honestly, Shane knew the answer to his inner question. The whole anniversary of “finding out that your best friend/crush is an angel and then getting tortured by his friends” was a pretty big deal. Of course, he had expected his brain to be reminding him of the less pleasant aspects of the whole experience – like almost being beaten to death – but no, his mind wanted to focus on the positive. Instead of the pain, the memory of Ryan Bergara sacrificing his own safety to save Shane was foremost on his mind. They had both revealed their true selves to each other that day, and it had solidified their friendship. Shane had hoped it would have solidified other, more romantic, feelings as well, but it unfortunately had not.

The most frustrating part of the whole situation was that both of the men knew about their feelings for the other. Shane knew that Ryan loved him back, and Ryan knew of Shane’s feelings. It was communicated every so often by gossamer touches, simple affections here and there, and in rare cases, gifts. Like the donuts, Shane thought miserably. He regretted snapping at Ryan the other day, but Ryan’s unexpected absence had sent Shane spiraling down the dark path of worst conclusions even for the short period of time. Hiding from a group of people that wanted to kill you and your best friend was not a good way of staying in a mentally healthy, unparanoid state. Still, Shane realized that he had probably caused Ryan to shut down emotionally, and he was kicking himself for that.

He was also kicking himself for not talking to Ryan about feelings sooner.

Shane had planned on bringing up the topic during the early period of their time as fugitives. In the beginning, everything had seemed so exciting. Even with danger following them, Shane and Ryan had time to adjust to their new angel and demon dynamic, which was nice after having to pretend to be human for so long. They were able to learn more about each other, to finally be open. But at some point, the stress of the situation caught up to them. Shane started having nightmares, and Ryan started hiding his emotions. They were nearly caught by angels a couple of times, and each time destroyed part of their self-confidence and sense of safety.

In the beginning, the two had convinced themselves they needed time to heal before talking about a romantic relationship. However, time hadn’t healed either of them. There was never a good point in bringing up the topic that was on both of their minds.

There was never going to be a good point.

It took Shane only a few seconds to decide what he needed to do. The life he was living was slowly killing him, and he needed some sort of reprieve. He was tired of living on the edge with Ryan, of only passing affections through unspoken gestures.

Tomorrow, one way or another, that was going to change.

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate comments, so please tell me what you think about the fic!


End file.
